Recently, I've started undergoing therapy (and no, I promise I'm not crazy). The initial reason I started (therapy) was due to some issues Andres and I were having. We had gotten to a place where we both resented each other for various reasons and I had been so focused on the dance studio and then being a Mom and he was so focused on providing for his newly formed family that our relationship wasn't getting the investment that it needed. (More about that though on another post....)
I also entered therapy because I had been feeling much more unhappy than normal for months prior to realizing the state that Andres and I were in. I wasn't feeling my normal happy self. I missed working A LOT but, at the same time, really was enjoying my time at home with Isabella. Before even entering therapy, I realized that I fed a lot of my self confidence off of my work performance and found myself in a now pretty thankless, pay less job and needed to find a way to feel happy again without working outside the home because in the end, I still wanted to stay home with her. Also, after Isabella's 1st birthday party last year, when I threw a much larger than needed bash for her, I didn't enjoy it at all for myself and knew something was wrong. I just kept cringing at everything it wasn't instead of everything it was. I beat myself up that I didn't have a job or any other distractions for Isabella, so in essence, I should be the "perfect" Mother and throw the "perfect" party. I knew what I was thinking was silly but, I couldn't get it out of my head.
It's interesting that when you enter therapy, you start with one issue (the one I just described) and it opens up a whole can of worms. It's amazing the things I've realized about myself through this process (and I've always considered myself pretty self aware). The biggest of which is my perfectionism. I never really considered myself a perfectionist because I wasn't the one striving for all As in school, wasn't wanting to be the most popular, or didn't always have my attire, makeup and hair perfectly in place. However, it sure affected my confidence regardless. In essence, I didn't try as hard because I feared rejection (ie my thinking: "I got a B, but, I didn't try that hard so, a B is pretty good!") so I just kinda eased my way through school (luckily with mostly As and Bs) and put my efforts into a variety of extra activities, most of which, I stayed heavily involved in without putting myself too far out there (ie: always a leader but not the highest leader).
What's funny is that it wasn't until, I told my counselor one day that a man came up to me at the store and complimented me on my looks and I told her how he must have a mental problem to stop me in the store and say that like I was so beautiful that I needed to be told at that moment and she asked, "You don't think you're pretty?" and I responded with, "Well, I'm no Giselle!" and then I paused and said, "OMG, I don't feel like I deserve compliments unless I'm the best of the best!" (Hence why I have had a problem accepting compliments...an issue I was already aware of.)
Then, she forever changed my world and drew a bell curve and explained that most people fall into the middle of the bell curve and that throughout most of the things I do, I fall into the better than average quadrant (and named several examples) and that I should be proud of that! I sat there and realized how true it was and in that instant, my self confidence was forever changed. I continue to think about this model many times throughout the day when I start to beat myself up for not being "perfect". I tell myself, "You are better than average....you are better than average" and suddenly, I feel amazing.
I have also realized that I've gone through most of my life with a wall up. Although, I don't come across as a monotone person, in essence, I have been. I have stayed in a steady calm, remotely happy place (something I used to pride myself on) throughout life's ups and downs and haven't allowed myself to feel the happiest joys and deepest sorrows. I've been too scared to let the wall down and actually let people know who I really am.
I could write a novel alone on my life and how the perfectionism has affected me however, that is not what this blog is about. Instead, it's about the future and how I am learning to deal with it moving forward. In essence now, I'm striving to be the "imperfect woman" instead of the "perfect woman". I'm learning to love myself for who I am, flaws and all and how to open myself up to feeling more and how to deal with those feelings. I'm using this blog as a way to challenge myself and put more opinionated, personal posts out there for anyone (or no one) to read. What I love about the internet is that you never know who your reader is and how a stranger can affect you. I read so many posts about Mother's struggling to make the transition to becoming a stay-at-home Mom and they helped me out so much. It's always nice to know that you aren't alone in things, especially when it's things that aren't the most pleasant to talk about. I always respect and appreciate when people are forthcoming and honest about their beliefs, feelings and what they are going through and now, it's time to join that world!!! Here's to a new adventure!
