The Power of Girl Friends

I could count the many ways of how much I love my friends.  I truly have some of the best.  It's a bit of a struggle to make it into my inner circle, but when you are in, you are in deep and I have some amazing girl friends that I get to truly feel myself with.  You never realize how great your friends are until you go through a hard time.  It's not always pleasant to be friends with someone who is going through a loss.  You have to watch them go through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance.  It's not a fun process and yet, I had a group of women who stuck by my side through it all.  For them I will be forever grateful....I don't know how I would have ever gotten through it all without them.    

I can specifically remember one night going to dinner with my friend, Sara. She was being her typical spunky self and I sat there completely dazed and almost unresponsive to her funny jokes.  I wasn't pleasant to be around and yet, she still sat there week after week and encouraged me to do things with her.  She did this even if she had to sit across from a near lifeless person telling the same heartbreaking stories over and over again.  She had to give the same encouraging responses like a broken record and she never once complained.  Ever.  She sat there with grace and strength and told me how it was all going to be okay.  There are things she said to me during this time, I will never forget.  Things like, "when you start dating again, just get ready, they will be lining up around the building" which seems so silly but yet, in that moment, I needed to hear that.  The perspective I had of myself was completely off.  I was broken into a million pieces.  I had lost myself and I needed words of encouragement and as shallow as those words may seem...they encouraged me to feel alive again.  She also was there to make me realize how I was truly feeling.  In one instance I said, "In my support group tonight, we talked about depression.  God, I'm so glad I'm not depressed!"  In which she calmly and firmly replied, "You are depressed, Lindsay."  I sat there and didn't respond and the conservation moved on but, days later, it hit me of, holy crap, I am depressed!  By her giving me that, I could heal faster because I could recognize my feelings more and move forward.  She was with me through it all.  She got the worst of it.....she got the moments of seeing me in a panic attack where I couldn't stop itching b/c I was so anxious, trying to force food down my mouth b/c I barely ate for days and all the late night texts and phone calls of holy crap, I can't believe this is happening, please talk me through this.  She was brought into my life as a little divorce angel.  I truly believe that since we had only met just a year prior.

Sara and Me

 My friend, Whitney got hit hard, too.  One month, my phone bill was double the price simply from all the conversations I had with her analyzing everything.  She was there when I knew it was over and I had to move forward with the divorce.  She helped me pack my things and when I looked at her and said, "Are you freaking out?"  She looked back at me and said, "No.  It's all going to be okay, Lindsay." and that's all I needed to hear.  I needed her strength in that moment and she gave that to me.  She continued to give it to me day after day with texts with scripture verses and just texts of I love you meant the world to me.  She gave me so much peace and stability with a dash of humor.  One of my favorite quotes from her was, "Lindsay, just sit back and try to emotionally detach because if you can, you will be able to enjoy the show...b/c it's going to get good."  I needed that humor because she was so right.  I knew I needed to just relax and step back.  Her strength and stability allowed me to realize that.

Whitney and Me

 Fortunately, for my friend, Nicole she didn't have to take in as much a hit.  She was with me in the moment where it all came apart though....what I refer to as the day I got "the call".  The weekend that this happened, I was at my lowest.  Did she walk away?  No.  Instead, she invited me to go away for a weekend with her and her family.  Even in my zombie like state of nothing fun to say and a smile being next to impossible, she loved me enough to take me away for a weekend.  The following month when things were still crashing and burning, we had a fun kid-free weekend planned of scrapbooking and hanging out at a nice hotel.  Did we do any of that?  No.  Instead, she sat with me and listened as we watched movies and ate.  I was too weak and tired to do anything and she took her fun weekend alone and invested in me.  She always sat there with a listening ear. She believed in me and that gave me hope.

Nicole and Me

 With these three women along with a handful of other inspirational women (and some men) along the way, I came out of the darkness.  I spent a long time in a state of denial.  Once I was able to see the truth in my situation, the grieving process became more intense and difficult, but it led me on a faster path to acceptance of where I (mostly) am at today.  From these people taking the time to invest in me with their positive energy, it gave me the strength and happiness that I have today.  I feel empowered.  I feel as if their good deed to help me has inspired me even more so to give back.

I'm at a place now where I'm at a turning point.  It's a new start in many ways...even possibly a quarter life crisis or just that I'm wrapping up my 20's and thinking about where I want to head into the next chapter of my life.  I want to help people in a deep, spiritual, emotionally intense way.  I feel forever loyal to the people who have helped me through this. With the energy they invested in me, I can not only give back to them, but they gave me so much that I have much more to give.  I feel inspired to take on more.  So, I have looked into ways to do that in my career.  Nothing is set in stone yet but, I think I'm heading in the right direction and I'm extremely excited to see where this leads.

Never underestimate the power of a good deed.  By my friends investing in me during this time, they have sparked a change.  Their positive energy in me has given me positive energy to give to others.  The point is is to never give up being a "good" friend/person no matter how hard it can be.  The benefits of doing so far exceed the potential consequences.  To my friends, you are my inspiration, my love and my strength.  You mean the world to me.  Thank you for always believing in me and being by my side.  I love you!

Where Have I Been?

Hello World.  I'm back!  I was just going through my Facebook timeline and realized how little I have posted in the past 9 months.  It was certainly intentional for a while but, then, I just got used to not posting.  A part of me kinda misses it but, I've missed blogging much more so, here I am.  I'm back and ready to write.  Hope you are ready to read.  So, what has happened?  If you are in my inner circle, you know all the dirty and heartbreaking details.  They are the ones that have watched my journey through all this.  They have been the ones who have truly seen me during my darkest times.  They always had the right things to say and lent a helping hand when I needed it.  When I say always, I mean it.  Always.  I am forever gracious of my friends and family who helped me during this time and even continue to be there to listen to my random stories as I've come closer to the finish line in acceptance of all this.

I wrote a lot during this time but, they are blogs that will probably never see the light of day simply out of respect for the parties involved, particularly Isabella.  Plus, I'm honestly at a place now where I would rather not relive that time.  I've mourned it all and I'm at a place of acceptance and it feels great.  I'm ready to move on with my life and am extremely happy and Andres and I have a great groove as co-parents and that means the world to me.  I would rather talk about the present and the future vs. the past.

However, instead of leaving you all in the dark, in a nut shell, Andres and I got a divorce.  Yes, a divorce.  Sucks that I never got my wedding but, got a divorce instead.  Unfortunately, there were too many legal ties to go about it any other way.  I knew this months leading into the actual event as there were several moments where I thought I was "done" prior to when I was truly "done" and begged him to end it amicably.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the case and the first few months were beyond rough, they near killed me (or so I felt that way).  I don't do well with fighting, I hate it....but, it was a moment where I had to fight for Isabella.  I prayed so much during this time.  I truly felt like I became a winter recluse.  I don't remember even putting on any makeup during this time.  I know I never did my hair and finding the strength to eat was damn near impossible.  I dropped 15 lbs in a month.  For someone who is already thin, dropping 15 lbs. was scary.  I hadn't been that thin since middle school.  I opted to take on a nanny job for a Mom who recently went through a similar situation in order to get out of the house and start to make some money again.  I had no idea when I went to meet her that she was divorced and then to find out our stories were so similar was truly amazing.  Being with her and her kids during this time healed me a lot.   There was an event in particular that I truly feel started to take me out of my depression.  One day, the pre-teen boy said, "Lindsay, have you seen these Harlem Shake videos?" and he started showing me them on YouTube.  Soon enough, we had the song downloaded and were all dancing fools.  As I danced around, I thought, "Who could hate life when dancing is so amazing?"  I realized how much I had lost myself that I didn't even remember my love of dance....which is truly the core of my soul.  I soon started looking in the mirror a little differently and ordered a dress online that was a style very much out of character for me.  When I got it in the mail, I tried it on and thought, "OMG.  One day, I get to be someone's girlfriend again!!"  (The idea that I would get to be someone's fun girlfriend again ignited another spark in me.)

Fortunately, I also found a support group during this time for divorced people at church and it was my sanctuary.  I learned so much from this and grew so much spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  It was an amazing experience for me even though, I was going through such a hard time.  I left the group in the early spring feeling excited to start a new chapter of my life and coincidentally, Andres and I were able to come to an agreement through mediation and our divorce wasn't final legally yet but, no other decisions needed to be made.  I had my plan and even better, something seemed to get through to him to change his behavior.  I can tell you that every prayer I prayed for was answered.  Throughout the entire thing, I just prayed, please God, let whatever happens be in the best interest of Isabella.  Please help Andres.  Please assure everyone how genuine my concerns are and how I just want what is best for her.  He listened and I got what I wanted...and more.  I truly believe my true heart and dedication were rewarded.  

So, by this time it was spring.  I was almost in a place of euphoria and I knew it but, I didn't care.  I wanted to do all the things I hadn't done in so long.  Go on a date, go out, dress up, feel pretty, and learn myself again.  I accomplished all that.  I began to work out again too and it felt amazing.  One night, I found myself shaky and woke up the next day and felt like the anxiety left my body.  I started feeling normal again for the first time in years and soon gained the weight back that I lost. I could finally see out of the clouds of darkness and see/feel who I was again.  It felt great.  I would say that the summer has been an extension of the spring in that I've just spent a lot of time learning myself.   As summer is coming to a close, I don't feel this euphoria anymore.  I feel very calm and stable and at peace with my situation and most importantly who I am and what I want.  Some days, I miss the euphoria but, I know where I am now is a place of stability.

I started attending therapy at the beginning of April 2012 and entered with the idea of, "What's wrong with me!?  Please tell me!"  Throughout the year and half of almost weekly sessions and discovering there really isn't anything wrong with me (I just haven't been in the right environment and needed a boost in my confidence), I left a few weeks ago, telling my therapist, "I think I'm done.  I'm at a place now where I really love myself and realized there isn't anything wrong with me, this is just me and if you don't like it, then I'm sorry."  A huge smile went across her face and she later wrote me an email to tell me how proud she was of me and it's an email I will always cherish.  Do I think I'm forever done with therapy?  Probably not.  Being a psych nerd and someone who is highly intuitive and empathetic (more about that in another post) , it's a great stress relief for me.  I like to go and just dump all my thoughts to someone without any emotional ties to it all and feel leaving lighter.  Is that weird?  Maybe but, that's me and that's my new motto.  It's a take it or leave it type motto and that's not to say I don't continue to see the value of compromise and doing things for the people you love, but, it's meant to be a motto to accept others for who they are and to be around others who accept me for who I am.

Another thing that I have really learned throughout this experience is to just sit back more and let things happen.  That doesn't mean not to work hard or jump on opportunities but, more so, to just let things come together without forcing it.  I was super guilty of forcing things in life and that's why things didn't come together as they should have naturally fallen.  I'm at a place now that if it's meant to be, it will happen.  If not, then I have peace in knowing that the right thing will come along.  I am starting to look for jobs again and am excited about jumping back into a career in HR.  I know that the right opportunity will come when the timing is right.  Right now though, I'm enjoying my time with Isabella and not letting the little stuff stress me out and any drama that comes my way is quickly cut out.  I'm just over petty drama.  Like I said, I really know who I am and what I want and who I want around my daughter and it's really made life so much easier.  Although, I'm stepping back and letting things naturally fall more, I feel driven on a path more so than ever before.  I know who I am and where I'm heading and what comes along the way to fit into that is what is right for me. 

I'm fortunate for this time with Isabella and regardless of what has happened with Andres and me, I am so blessed that he has always supported me being with her (and even has pushed it when I didn't want to do it).  My time with her is precious and there's no amount of money or any material item that could be more appealing than being with her.  People who know my story compliment me on how strong I am and how graceful I have handled the situation.  It's a great compliment however, I feel like it was truly something so little in the grand scheme of things.  I see immense strength in so many others that I can't even imagine how they handle what they do.  I feel so fortunate for my situation.  I believe that because I truly feel there's so many bigger things out there for me.  Even my counselor told me in our last session, "Do you ever feel like something amazing is just on the horizon?"  I agreed and she said, "I truly believe that for you right now."  I couldn't agree more.   I truly am so very happy.  It's a great feeling.  Even with these recent hard times with Andres, I left thanking him for it all, because it taught me so much.  I certainly wouldn't want to relive it but, I wouldn't change it for the world.  

I can't say that I really have a plan for my blog.  I'm just going to write about what I want when I feel like it.  I can tell you that it's always going to be truthful and raw.  I was once asked, "aren't you sick of putting your guts out there?"  and my answer is nope.  I find honesty refreshing and people who are vulnerable and "real" to be rare.  I think it's awesome that I can put myself out there to others.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  ;-) 

Gone for now but, not forever.

I'm not blogging for now.  I haven't given up on this.  I just have to step away at this time.  Andres and I are in the process of a divorce.  As you can see from my previous posts, I thought we were headed on a great path.  I wasn't lying in these posts or misconstruing, I just was lead to believe something that wasn't true. I pulled down my other posts that I had in need for privacy at this time.  Little did I know that when I started this blog to accept becoming more "imperfect" how tested it would soon become.  Thank goodness for this experience prior to all this b/c without it, I'd be a mess!

If anyone out there is seeking answers for themselves about the relationship Andres and I had recently, I hope these previous posts that I did leave up can provide that for you (or even on our family blog www.growingupgiraldo.blogspot.com......I wish I could say more about our current state or even our past but, I can't.  I just have to step back, heal and let it all work itself out in the court system and within relationships Andres and I had jointly or apart.  Although, this is painful, the journey I've taken the past year has prepared me for this.  I am so confident in myself and who I am that and who I want to continue to be that I won't let that waver even in this trying time. 

I know this is just a small dark cloud and there is so much hope for the future.  More so than ever before.  I'm just really taking things slow and allowing myself to heal because I never want to go down this path again.  I want to ensure that I heal fully and move forward in a positive way.  I am confident now more than ever that I will accomplish that.  Trusting is very hard right now so please respect my need for space. However, please don't take that to mean that you can't ask questions.  Although I can't say a lot, I can talk about facts.  So, if you want to know something, I can answer questions like that (ie: who has custody when, who can/can't see Isabella, etc.)

I know that my heart is pure and my intentions are honest and God will put the right people in my life.  Just looking back on this year alone, he has placed some amazing people in my life that have been my strength to get me through this.  I read once that humans tend to focus on the relationships where there's shortcomings instead of the relationships that are wonderful.  It's so true and I tell myself that daily b/c I have some AMAZING friends and an extremely supportive family who are helping me pick up the pieces as I move forward.  Plus, this whole experience is really strengthening my faith.  This past year I've grown into who I want to be and this experience is solidifying that for me so, although this experience stinks, I know it's making me better. I know I will look back on this experience and praise him for it.  I see that now but, it still can't take away the sadness/hurt. 

I have so much of my life to live and an amazing little girl to live it with and I can't wait to see where life will take me next.  Change is always hard but, I/we will get through it.   I'm just overcoming a lot of shock and hurt right now to get me to that place so that I can healthily move forward.  I'm truly not angry so, if you hear otherwise, it's not true.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm not an angry person.  I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.  In the court system though, it can appear otherwise.  It stinks.  If you hear something that doesn't seem right, please question it and feel free to ask me.  I wish I would have questioned much more and looked into all those "something isn't right" feelings deeper.  Truth is, is that I didn't want to see the truth.  But, it will all come out soon and I don't want it to come out in a bitter or resentful way but, just in the way that God wants them.  One of my favorite scriptures lately I've encountered is, "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written; 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay, 'says the Lord." (Romans 12:19).


So, with that again, I say that I'm hurt and just trying to get through this and praying that it will all work out......and so I say adieu for now.