The Power of Girl Friends

I could count the many ways of how much I love my friends.  I truly have some of the best.  It's a bit of a struggle to make it into my inner circle, but when you are in, you are in deep and I have some amazing girl friends that I get to truly feel myself with.  You never realize how great your friends are until you go through a hard time.  It's not always pleasant to be friends with someone who is going through a loss.  You have to watch them go through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance.  It's not a fun process and yet, I had a group of women who stuck by my side through it all.  For them I will be forever grateful....I don't know how I would have ever gotten through it all without them.    

I can specifically remember one night going to dinner with my friend, Sara. She was being her typical spunky self and I sat there completely dazed and almost unresponsive to her funny jokes.  I wasn't pleasant to be around and yet, she still sat there week after week and encouraged me to do things with her.  She did this even if she had to sit across from a near lifeless person telling the same heartbreaking stories over and over again.  She had to give the same encouraging responses like a broken record and she never once complained.  Ever.  She sat there with grace and strength and told me how it was all going to be okay.  There are things she said to me during this time, I will never forget.  Things like, "when you start dating again, just get ready, they will be lining up around the building" which seems so silly but yet, in that moment, I needed to hear that.  The perspective I had of myself was completely off.  I was broken into a million pieces.  I had lost myself and I needed words of encouragement and as shallow as those words may seem...they encouraged me to feel alive again.  She also was there to make me realize how I was truly feeling.  In one instance I said, "In my support group tonight, we talked about depression.  God, I'm so glad I'm not depressed!"  In which she calmly and firmly replied, "You are depressed, Lindsay."  I sat there and didn't respond and the conservation moved on but, days later, it hit me of, holy crap, I am depressed!  By her giving me that, I could heal faster because I could recognize my feelings more and move forward.  She was with me through it all.  She got the worst of it.....she got the moments of seeing me in a panic attack where I couldn't stop itching b/c I was so anxious, trying to force food down my mouth b/c I barely ate for days and all the late night texts and phone calls of holy crap, I can't believe this is happening, please talk me through this.  She was brought into my life as a little divorce angel.  I truly believe that since we had only met just a year prior.

Sara and Me

 My friend, Whitney got hit hard, too.  One month, my phone bill was double the price simply from all the conversations I had with her analyzing everything.  She was there when I knew it was over and I had to move forward with the divorce.  She helped me pack my things and when I looked at her and said, "Are you freaking out?"  She looked back at me and said, "No.  It's all going to be okay, Lindsay." and that's all I needed to hear.  I needed her strength in that moment and she gave that to me.  She continued to give it to me day after day with texts with scripture verses and just texts of I love you meant the world to me.  She gave me so much peace and stability with a dash of humor.  One of my favorite quotes from her was, "Lindsay, just sit back and try to emotionally detach because if you can, you will be able to enjoy the show...b/c it's going to get good."  I needed that humor because she was so right.  I knew I needed to just relax and step back.  Her strength and stability allowed me to realize that.

Whitney and Me

 Fortunately, for my friend, Nicole she didn't have to take in as much a hit.  She was with me in the moment where it all came apart though....what I refer to as the day I got "the call".  The weekend that this happened, I was at my lowest.  Did she walk away?  No.  Instead, she invited me to go away for a weekend with her and her family.  Even in my zombie like state of nothing fun to say and a smile being next to impossible, she loved me enough to take me away for a weekend.  The following month when things were still crashing and burning, we had a fun kid-free weekend planned of scrapbooking and hanging out at a nice hotel.  Did we do any of that?  No.  Instead, she sat with me and listened as we watched movies and ate.  I was too weak and tired to do anything and she took her fun weekend alone and invested in me.  She always sat there with a listening ear. She believed in me and that gave me hope.

Nicole and Me

 With these three women along with a handful of other inspirational women (and some men) along the way, I came out of the darkness.  I spent a long time in a state of denial.  Once I was able to see the truth in my situation, the grieving process became more intense and difficult, but it led me on a faster path to acceptance of where I (mostly) am at today.  From these people taking the time to invest in me with their positive energy, it gave me the strength and happiness that I have today.  I feel empowered.  I feel as if their good deed to help me has inspired me even more so to give back.

I'm at a place now where I'm at a turning point.  It's a new start in many ways...even possibly a quarter life crisis or just that I'm wrapping up my 20's and thinking about where I want to head into the next chapter of my life.  I want to help people in a deep, spiritual, emotionally intense way.  I feel forever loyal to the people who have helped me through this. With the energy they invested in me, I can not only give back to them, but they gave me so much that I have much more to give.  I feel inspired to take on more.  So, I have looked into ways to do that in my career.  Nothing is set in stone yet but, I think I'm heading in the right direction and I'm extremely excited to see where this leads.

Never underestimate the power of a good deed.  By my friends investing in me during this time, they have sparked a change.  Their positive energy in me has given me positive energy to give to others.  The point is is to never give up being a "good" friend/person no matter how hard it can be.  The benefits of doing so far exceed the potential consequences.  To my friends, you are my inspiration, my love and my strength.  You mean the world to me.  Thank you for always believing in me and being by my side.  I love you!

Where Have I Been?

Hello World.  I'm back!  I was just going through my Facebook timeline and realized how little I have posted in the past 9 months.  It was certainly intentional for a while but, then, I just got used to not posting.  A part of me kinda misses it but, I've missed blogging much more so, here I am.  I'm back and ready to write.  Hope you are ready to read.  So, what has happened?  If you are in my inner circle, you know all the dirty and heartbreaking details.  They are the ones that have watched my journey through all this.  They have been the ones who have truly seen me during my darkest times.  They always had the right things to say and lent a helping hand when I needed it.  When I say always, I mean it.  Always.  I am forever gracious of my friends and family who helped me during this time and even continue to be there to listen to my random stories as I've come closer to the finish line in acceptance of all this.

I wrote a lot during this time but, they are blogs that will probably never see the light of day simply out of respect for the parties involved, particularly Isabella.  Plus, I'm honestly at a place now where I would rather not relive that time.  I've mourned it all and I'm at a place of acceptance and it feels great.  I'm ready to move on with my life and am extremely happy and Andres and I have a great groove as co-parents and that means the world to me.  I would rather talk about the present and the future vs. the past.

However, instead of leaving you all in the dark, in a nut shell, Andres and I got a divorce.  Yes, a divorce.  Sucks that I never got my wedding but, got a divorce instead.  Unfortunately, there were too many legal ties to go about it any other way.  I knew this months leading into the actual event as there were several moments where I thought I was "done" prior to when I was truly "done" and begged him to end it amicably.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the case and the first few months were beyond rough, they near killed me (or so I felt that way).  I don't do well with fighting, I hate it....but, it was a moment where I had to fight for Isabella.  I prayed so much during this time.  I truly felt like I became a winter recluse.  I don't remember even putting on any makeup during this time.  I know I never did my hair and finding the strength to eat was damn near impossible.  I dropped 15 lbs in a month.  For someone who is already thin, dropping 15 lbs. was scary.  I hadn't been that thin since middle school.  I opted to take on a nanny job for a Mom who recently went through a similar situation in order to get out of the house and start to make some money again.  I had no idea when I went to meet her that she was divorced and then to find out our stories were so similar was truly amazing.  Being with her and her kids during this time healed me a lot.   There was an event in particular that I truly feel started to take me out of my depression.  One day, the pre-teen boy said, "Lindsay, have you seen these Harlem Shake videos?" and he started showing me them on YouTube.  Soon enough, we had the song downloaded and were all dancing fools.  As I danced around, I thought, "Who could hate life when dancing is so amazing?"  I realized how much I had lost myself that I didn't even remember my love of dance....which is truly the core of my soul.  I soon started looking in the mirror a little differently and ordered a dress online that was a style very much out of character for me.  When I got it in the mail, I tried it on and thought, "OMG.  One day, I get to be someone's girlfriend again!!"  (The idea that I would get to be someone's fun girlfriend again ignited another spark in me.)

Fortunately, I also found a support group during this time for divorced people at church and it was my sanctuary.  I learned so much from this and grew so much spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  It was an amazing experience for me even though, I was going through such a hard time.  I left the group in the early spring feeling excited to start a new chapter of my life and coincidentally, Andres and I were able to come to an agreement through mediation and our divorce wasn't final legally yet but, no other decisions needed to be made.  I had my plan and even better, something seemed to get through to him to change his behavior.  I can tell you that every prayer I prayed for was answered.  Throughout the entire thing, I just prayed, please God, let whatever happens be in the best interest of Isabella.  Please help Andres.  Please assure everyone how genuine my concerns are and how I just want what is best for her.  He listened and I got what I wanted...and more.  I truly believe my true heart and dedication were rewarded.  

So, by this time it was spring.  I was almost in a place of euphoria and I knew it but, I didn't care.  I wanted to do all the things I hadn't done in so long.  Go on a date, go out, dress up, feel pretty, and learn myself again.  I accomplished all that.  I began to work out again too and it felt amazing.  One night, I found myself shaky and woke up the next day and felt like the anxiety left my body.  I started feeling normal again for the first time in years and soon gained the weight back that I lost. I could finally see out of the clouds of darkness and see/feel who I was again.  It felt great.  I would say that the summer has been an extension of the spring in that I've just spent a lot of time learning myself.   As summer is coming to a close, I don't feel this euphoria anymore.  I feel very calm and stable and at peace with my situation and most importantly who I am and what I want.  Some days, I miss the euphoria but, I know where I am now is a place of stability.

I started attending therapy at the beginning of April 2012 and entered with the idea of, "What's wrong with me!?  Please tell me!"  Throughout the year and half of almost weekly sessions and discovering there really isn't anything wrong with me (I just haven't been in the right environment and needed a boost in my confidence), I left a few weeks ago, telling my therapist, "I think I'm done.  I'm at a place now where I really love myself and realized there isn't anything wrong with me, this is just me and if you don't like it, then I'm sorry."  A huge smile went across her face and she later wrote me an email to tell me how proud she was of me and it's an email I will always cherish.  Do I think I'm forever done with therapy?  Probably not.  Being a psych nerd and someone who is highly intuitive and empathetic (more about that in another post) , it's a great stress relief for me.  I like to go and just dump all my thoughts to someone without any emotional ties to it all and feel leaving lighter.  Is that weird?  Maybe but, that's me and that's my new motto.  It's a take it or leave it type motto and that's not to say I don't continue to see the value of compromise and doing things for the people you love, but, it's meant to be a motto to accept others for who they are and to be around others who accept me for who I am.

Another thing that I have really learned throughout this experience is to just sit back more and let things happen.  That doesn't mean not to work hard or jump on opportunities but, more so, to just let things come together without forcing it.  I was super guilty of forcing things in life and that's why things didn't come together as they should have naturally fallen.  I'm at a place now that if it's meant to be, it will happen.  If not, then I have peace in knowing that the right thing will come along.  I am starting to look for jobs again and am excited about jumping back into a career in HR.  I know that the right opportunity will come when the timing is right.  Right now though, I'm enjoying my time with Isabella and not letting the little stuff stress me out and any drama that comes my way is quickly cut out.  I'm just over petty drama.  Like I said, I really know who I am and what I want and who I want around my daughter and it's really made life so much easier.  Although, I'm stepping back and letting things naturally fall more, I feel driven on a path more so than ever before.  I know who I am and where I'm heading and what comes along the way to fit into that is what is right for me. 

I'm fortunate for this time with Isabella and regardless of what has happened with Andres and me, I am so blessed that he has always supported me being with her (and even has pushed it when I didn't want to do it).  My time with her is precious and there's no amount of money or any material item that could be more appealing than being with her.  People who know my story compliment me on how strong I am and how graceful I have handled the situation.  It's a great compliment however, I feel like it was truly something so little in the grand scheme of things.  I see immense strength in so many others that I can't even imagine how they handle what they do.  I feel so fortunate for my situation.  I believe that because I truly feel there's so many bigger things out there for me.  Even my counselor told me in our last session, "Do you ever feel like something amazing is just on the horizon?"  I agreed and she said, "I truly believe that for you right now."  I couldn't agree more.   I truly am so very happy.  It's a great feeling.  Even with these recent hard times with Andres, I left thanking him for it all, because it taught me so much.  I certainly wouldn't want to relive it but, I wouldn't change it for the world.  

I can't say that I really have a plan for my blog.  I'm just going to write about what I want when I feel like it.  I can tell you that it's always going to be truthful and raw.  I was once asked, "aren't you sick of putting your guts out there?"  and my answer is nope.  I find honesty refreshing and people who are vulnerable and "real" to be rare.  I think it's awesome that I can put myself out there to others.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  ;-) 

Gone for now but, not forever.

I'm not blogging for now.  I haven't given up on this.  I just have to step away at this time.  Andres and I are in the process of a divorce.  As you can see from my previous posts, I thought we were headed on a great path.  I wasn't lying in these posts or misconstruing, I just was lead to believe something that wasn't true. I pulled down my other posts that I had in need for privacy at this time.  Little did I know that when I started this blog to accept becoming more "imperfect" how tested it would soon become.  Thank goodness for this experience prior to all this b/c without it, I'd be a mess!

If anyone out there is seeking answers for themselves about the relationship Andres and I had recently, I hope these previous posts that I did leave up can provide that for you (or even on our family blog www.growingupgiraldo.blogspot.com......I wish I could say more about our current state or even our past but, I can't.  I just have to step back, heal and let it all work itself out in the court system and within relationships Andres and I had jointly or apart.  Although, this is painful, the journey I've taken the past year has prepared me for this.  I am so confident in myself and who I am that and who I want to continue to be that I won't let that waver even in this trying time. 

I know this is just a small dark cloud and there is so much hope for the future.  More so than ever before.  I'm just really taking things slow and allowing myself to heal because I never want to go down this path again.  I want to ensure that I heal fully and move forward in a positive way.  I am confident now more than ever that I will accomplish that.  Trusting is very hard right now so please respect my need for space. However, please don't take that to mean that you can't ask questions.  Although I can't say a lot, I can talk about facts.  So, if you want to know something, I can answer questions like that (ie: who has custody when, who can/can't see Isabella, etc.)

I know that my heart is pure and my intentions are honest and God will put the right people in my life.  Just looking back on this year alone, he has placed some amazing people in my life that have been my strength to get me through this.  I read once that humans tend to focus on the relationships where there's shortcomings instead of the relationships that are wonderful.  It's so true and I tell myself that daily b/c I have some AMAZING friends and an extremely supportive family who are helping me pick up the pieces as I move forward.  Plus, this whole experience is really strengthening my faith.  This past year I've grown into who I want to be and this experience is solidifying that for me so, although this experience stinks, I know it's making me better. I know I will look back on this experience and praise him for it.  I see that now but, it still can't take away the sadness/hurt. 

I have so much of my life to live and an amazing little girl to live it with and I can't wait to see where life will take me next.  Change is always hard but, I/we will get through it.   I'm just overcoming a lot of shock and hurt right now to get me to that place so that I can healthily move forward.  I'm truly not angry so, if you hear otherwise, it's not true.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm not an angry person.  I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.  In the court system though, it can appear otherwise.  It stinks.  If you hear something that doesn't seem right, please question it and feel free to ask me.  I wish I would have questioned much more and looked into all those "something isn't right" feelings deeper.  Truth is, is that I didn't want to see the truth.  But, it will all come out soon and I don't want it to come out in a bitter or resentful way but, just in the way that God wants them.  One of my favorite scriptures lately I've encountered is, "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written; 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay, 'says the Lord." (Romans 12:19).


So, with that again, I say that I'm hurt and just trying to get through this and praying that it will all work out......and so I say adieu for now.
 

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I've never been a fan of this holiday (A holiday where you just sit and eat?  Boring!) but, this year, it feels different.  Although, things in my life aren't going "perfect", I'm feeling more thankful than ever for what I have.   This past year has been a tough year but, a great opportunity for personal growth.  While many times have been unpleasant, I am so grateful for having them because they have allowed me to become a better person. Here's the things, I am most thankful for this year. 

1.  My Confidence
 For the first time, I feel confident in myself.  I feel like I could walk into a room and everyone could hate me and I wouldn't crumble.  Although, I'm not "perfect", I love myself for who I am and I'm at a point where someone could take it or leave it.  Of course, I have my faults but, I feel aware of them and can take the blame for something now when I mess up instead of avoiding the situation.  That alone, is a huge success!  Before, I would either avoid the confrontation or take in so much blame for something when in reality it wasn't all my fault.  I wish I could give this gift to so many people in my life.  As I've started to gain my confidence, I've tried to take others along with me in hopes that they will make strides in gaining their own confidence, but, I'm realizing that I can't do it for anybody else . That's hard but, I saw a quote the other day, that spoke to me in this scenario.  It said, "You can't make anyone 'get it' until they choose to 'get it.'  Instead, lead by example and let go of the rest." 

2.  My beautiful little girl
Oh, I could count the millions of ways how I love my sweet baby.  Yes, I know, I know, she is no longer a baby but, I recently got her the book, "Love You Forever" and if you've ever read the book, you know it comes from a Mother telling her child as he grows, "as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."  This is so fitting for my feelings toward her.  She will always be my baby.  Even if she tells me she hates me because I grounded her or as she runs off to prom in high school with a boy in hand, she will always be my baby.  I love her so much regardless of her disorganizing my perfectly folded laundry or the occasional tantrums or the early mornings or even the smashed goldfish that takes forever to clean.  I love her unconditionally and will always be here for her and that's a great feeling.  I am so lucky to have her in my life.  She has taught me so much in just a short time.  She is truly a gift in my life and I am forever grateful for each day I have with her. 

3.  The fruits of our labor
This year has been tough in regards to the time we have spent with Andres.  In fact, since I became pregnant with Isabella, Andres' work ethic went from slightly higher than normal to extreme (and this was a man that when I met him was chillin' in a kiddie pool, drinking beer and had no motivation to finish college).  It's been hard at times because I feel like I've been a single parent the majority of Isabella's life however, I can't say that I'm not grateful for the financial gains of OUR work (yes, ours because you better believe I have put my work into making up for him being gone).

We are reaching a point now where he doesn't need to work so hard anymore.   It has definitely been hard work!!  I'm grateful for the experience but, the time for it to be over is now.  Working this hard has taken a toll on our relationships and health.  I hope that we can look back at this period and say that the sacrifice was worth it.  The things we've been able to purchase and save for are unreal now for her only being 2.  It's pretty amazing that we've been able to do all this in such a short time.  For Andres to be able to go out and work as hard as he has, I've had to make huge sacrifices in my career and have had to pick up a lot of the slack for him being gone.  I wish that I could celebrate the joys of our accomplishments more and really get to praise him in a public setting but, by the time we have a moment to celebrate, we're exhausted and he's been gone so long that the connection between us (and between him and Isabella) is usually suffering.  I hope that after he's done with this (last) trip, that he will reestablish a bond with us and make up for lost time.  I hope that he will take the time to focus on his health and relationships instead of money.  I hope that by him doing this, that I can find a place to show my gratitude to him for his hard work. 

4.  Good Health
Everyday that my family, friends and I wake healthy, is a great day no matter what goes wrong throughout the day.  I am so thankful that I've given the gift of life everyday as a PRESENT.  :-)

5.  Friendships: New and Old
I've made some great friendships this year.  Friends that I hope to have around for a very long time.  It's amazing to find people that you can be yourself with and have a listening ear for your ups and downs.  I am so grateful for the new friendships that I've made but, still forever grateful for my old friends.  My rock solid friendships are so old and familiar and it's amazing to have people in my life that I have shared so much with throughout the years.  It's hard to believe that I graduated high school 10 years ago this year and that I've been out of college for 6 years!  I'm feeling so old!  Yet, there is a peace in knowing that throughout all those years, some of the same people have been by my side. 

6.  The Opportunity to Attend Therapy
A lot of people have told me that they are shocked that I would be so open and upfront about sharing that I've been going to therapy.  I personally don't see a big deal in it.  Being a Psychology major in college, I just feel like a lot of times that I'm going to class but, it's a class all about me (the best class of all - lol).  I don't know why therapy has gotten a bad stigma.  I wish that everyone would attend therapy regularly.  I think it could do wonders for our society.  Mental health is severally overlooked.  (But, that's another topic for another day.)

Today, though, I just want to say that I am grateful for my experience to have been able to go to therapy.  It has truly changed my life for the better.  I wish I would have done it years ago because, the things that I've held myself back on or handled incorrectly due to my insecurities would have really changed my life.  But, everything happens for a reason and I'm just grateful that moving forward, these things won't hold me back (as much).

In saying all that, I'm really looking forward to 2013.  A lot of things have been simmering in my head this year and I feel as if things are starting to come together for me for my next step in my life.  I don't feel like I'm forcing anything, either...it feels like things are naturally coming together.   Again, I found a quote that really reiterates this.  It says, "If you can let go of needing to know 'how' it's all going to happen, you are actually letting go of control - which, in turn, frees the Universe up to do it's thing in the best way possible."  It's so, so true.  I can't wait to see what's next!!!

28th Birthday.

 

I turned 28 about a month ago.  28 sounds so young and yet I feel so much older than that.  I swear after age 21, Birthdays are so much less eventful.  My actual Birthday was on a Monday so, the celebration occurred over the prior weekend.  I went to my parents for dinner/gifts one night and went to a dinner and movie with Andres another night.  On Sunday morning, Andres told me to get up early because he made an appointment for me at a spa.  He told me where to go but didn't tell me what I was getting.  He had booked a massage and pedicure.  The pedicure was so different than any pedicure I had ever gotten.  They put you in a chair that's like a dentist chair and they put a hot pad around your shoulders and a compress on your eyes and do your toes while you lay back.  It was different but, pretty enjoyable!  It was so sweet of him to book that for me and get some time to myself.

On my actual birthday, I was exhausted and the baby and I laid around a lot and napped together.  Andres worked from home so he got off early and took us to dinner.  It was quiet and nice.

Last year, my best friend and I started a tradition to do a painting class for our Birthdays (she is 3 weeks older than me) and so the weekend following my birthday, we took our class.  This year's painting was much easier and yet my painting last year looked SO much better (To see my one from last year, click here).  I think I drank too much wine this year.  Her's turned out amazing though.  It was so fun and super relaxing.

I didn't get a lot of pics and I hate how my smile looks fake in both of the pictures I did get because I was having more fun than it looked!  I'm looking forward to age 28.  27 was a hard but great year.  I had a lot of self-discovery but, getting to that point wasn't always pleasant.  My goal for 27 was to become more domestic and I'm def getting there.  I can now cook a meal without it tasting too horrible and put together a house better than I ever expected!  I'm actually starting to get a hang of crafting too.  The Cricut has changed my world!  My goals for 28 are to continue with my domestic skills, have a wedding and feel more self confident and satisfied with myself.   Here's to 28!!! 

What's in the Name?

Hi! Welcome to my new blog. I wanted to start a blog about all the things in my life other than Isabella. Our "Growing up Giraldo" blog focuses simply on her (and any future children) and I've been itching to write about some other things (and also want an outlet to ensure my brain still works for things other than making meals, running errands and cleaning). You may wonder what the name meaning is all about in "Becoming the Imperfect Woman" and let me explain.....

Recently, I've started undergoing therapy (and no, I promise I'm not crazy). The initial reason I started (therapy) was due to some issues Andres and I were having. We had gotten to a place where we both resented each other for various reasons and I had been so focused on the dance studio and then being a Mom and he was so focused on providing for his newly formed family that our relationship wasn't getting the investment that it needed. (More about that though on another post....)

 I also entered therapy because I had been feeling much more unhappy than normal for months prior to realizing the state that Andres and I were in. I wasn't feeling my normal happy self. I missed working A LOT but, at the same time, really was enjoying my time at home with Isabella. Before even entering therapy, I realized that I fed a lot of my self confidence off of my work performance and found myself in a now pretty thankless, pay less job and needed to find a way to feel happy again without working outside the home because in the end, I still wanted to stay home with her. Also, after Isabella's 1st birthday party last year, when I threw a much larger than needed bash for her, I didn't enjoy it at all for myself and knew something was wrong. I just kept cringing at everything it wasn't instead of everything it was. I beat myself up that I didn't have a job or any other distractions for Isabella, so in essence, I should be the "perfect" Mother and throw the "perfect" party. I knew what I was thinking was silly but, I couldn't get it out of my head.

It's interesting that when you enter therapy, you start with one issue (the one I just described) and it opens up a whole can of worms. It's amazing the things I've realized about myself through this process (and I've always considered myself pretty self aware). The biggest of which is my perfectionism. I never really considered myself a perfectionist because I wasn't the one striving for all As in school, wasn't wanting to be the most popular, or didn't always have my attire, makeup and hair perfectly in place. However, it sure affected my confidence regardless. In essence, I didn't try as hard because I feared rejection (ie my thinking: "I got a B, but, I didn't try that hard so, a B is pretty good!") so I just kinda eased my way through school (luckily with mostly As and Bs) and put my efforts into a variety of extra activities, most of which, I stayed heavily involved in without putting myself too far out there (ie: always a leader but not the highest leader).

What's funny is that it wasn't until, I told my counselor one day that a man came up to me at the store and complimented me on my looks and I told her how he must have a mental problem to stop me in the store and say that like I was so beautiful that I needed to be told at that moment and she asked, "You don't think you're pretty?" and I responded with, "Well, I'm no Giselle!" and then I paused and said, "OMG, I don't feel like I deserve compliments unless I'm the best of the best!" (Hence why I have had a problem accepting compliments...an issue I was already aware of.)

Then, she forever changed my world and drew a bell curve and explained that most people fall into the middle of the bell curve and that throughout most of the things I do, I fall into the better than average quadrant (and named several examples) and that I should be proud of that! I sat there and realized how true it was and in that instant, my self confidence was forever changed. I continue to think about this model many times throughout the day when I start to beat myself up for not being "perfect". I tell myself, "You are better than average....you are better than average" and suddenly, I feel amazing.

I have also realized that I've gone through most of my life with a wall up. Although, I don't come across as a monotone person, in essence, I have been. I have stayed in a steady calm, remotely happy place (something I used to pride myself on) throughout life's ups and downs and haven't allowed myself to feel the happiest joys and deepest sorrows. I've been too scared to let the wall down and actually let people know who I really am.

I could write a novel alone on my life and how the perfectionism has affected me however, that is not what this blog is about. Instead, it's about the future and how I am learning to deal with it moving forward. In essence now, I'm striving to be the "imperfect woman" instead of the "perfect woman". I'm learning to love myself for who I am, flaws and all and how to open myself up to feeling more and how to deal with those feelings. I'm using this blog as a way to challenge myself and put more opinionated, personal posts out there for anyone (or no one) to read. What I love about the internet is that you never know who your reader is and how a stranger can affect you. I read so many posts about Mother's struggling to make the transition to becoming a stay-at-home Mom and they helped me out so much. It's always nice to know that you aren't alone in things, especially when it's things that aren't the most pleasant to talk about. I always respect and appreciate when people are forthcoming and honest about their beliefs, feelings and what they are going through and now, it's time to join that world!!! Here's to a new adventure!